You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
