What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
