so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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