The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
