What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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