Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
