i would punch a child for taco bell
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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