Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
