Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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