I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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