if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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