somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
