The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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