Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
