i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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