Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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