At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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