I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
im six kinds of drunk right now
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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