I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
