im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
