And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
