Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
