I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I came so hard my ears popped.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
