i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
