the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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