if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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