Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have feelings that need drinking.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
