Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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