I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
