i jhust puked up my retainher.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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