dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
