I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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