i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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