Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
