matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
