My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
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