You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
