k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
