Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
