There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
