I'm so fucking centered right now
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
