I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
