Swine flu is the new snow day.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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