My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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