Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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