woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
