He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
