I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
