Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
