hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
