Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
